ORLANDO, Fla. - At a local speaking event Thursday at Valencia's West Campus, an odd man was spotted raiding the fruit bowls.
This unidentified gentleman was seen using one fork to skewer fruit pieces un-sanitarily while returning the utensil from his mouth to the community bowl just as the event was ending.
Despite the availibility of plates nearby, (you can see them in the picture,) the man decided to help himself and spread his saliva over the rest of the remaining food in the bowl, assuring no one else at the event could enjoy the small delicacies they had been eyeing during the speech, given by Mike Murphy, former Op-Ed writer for the Orlando Sentinel.
"Its like he's putting his whole mouth in the fruit," says Tim Tomals; "it can't be clean." The speech was barely broken out for more than 2 minutes when the man attacked the public fruit display like a lion on a steak at Busch Gardens, mercilessly feasting upon the innocent bricks of tasty goodness.
One on-looker at the event said that it was as painful as watching baby seals get clubbed in real life. "I couldn't watch, the horror was too great and I had to look away. those poor honeydews. What did they do to deserve their life being ended so abruptly by such a monster!"
"It was like watching a vaccuum cleaner with a fork. I was disgusted. So much for anyone else getting any fruit pieces;" said Ben Chancers, who also attended Murphy's speech. "If I never see anything like that again, I would be thanking all that is holy. That man had to be possessed."
After orchestrating quite possibly the most disturbing genocide of a mixed fruit platter in Valencia history, the man dissapeared, and is still at large. You may consider him armed with sharpened sporks and extremely dangerous, and authorities say if you encounter this person, you should contact them and not try to apprehend yourself. Especially if you have a pear-shaped figure, or are wearing any fruity-smelling body spray or cologne.
3 comments:
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA That is probably the best story that could have been written about that God foresaken hour that was called a speech. Amazing.
In an attempt to correct journalistic flaws in this report, I issue the following statement:
1) The fruit gorging did not take place "two minutes" into the speech -- it occurred well after the majority of attendees had left the hall (notice the lack of other humans in the photo).
2) "Double dipping" is only relevant when the dipper leaves something in the food container. This well-planned attack was designed to effectively remove all remaining fruit from the vessel, thus eliminating all potential health hazards.
3) The raid was made reluctantly, but when there are so many "children starving in Africa," it is foolish and sinful to leave perfectly good food uneaten.
Let these facts refute your unfounded and heinous charges.
It says; "...after the speech had broken out..." so you are incorrect in your assumption of timing.
The rest is just plain comical.
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